So, from birth, I can only listen to comedy albums from one stand-up? That seems like a massive waste of a human life. I think, for the sake of poor me, I’d have to pick George Carlin due to his massive library of albums. That way it would take me a little while longer to be driven insane from repeating material. I might be upset I couldn’t hear him in any of his movies or TV specials but at least I’d always have the option of watching them with subtitles on. I’d also have quite a few good book recommendations that I’d be able to hear, in my head, in the voice they were written in.

My first back-up choice is Bill Cosby. He has a library of albums that rivals George Carlin in size and also several TV series that I could check out with subtitles on. I could always watch any TV series with captions on but again, I’d know what Cosby’s voice would sound like. I also find his voice to be very calming, welcoming, and engaging—good for getting a child’s attention. He also knows when to accentuate a joke with swearing, rather than just doing it for fun, a good skill for kids to learn at a young age.

My second back-up choice is Larry the Cable Guy. Since I can’t listen to anything else, my sense of humor is probably not as sophisticated when it comes to stand-up comedy as it could be. His simple sense of humor would be pleasing to me. It might help facilitate an interest in NASCAR which is a sport that encourages people to lose their hearing, so I’d be in familiar company. Of course, I’d still be wearing ear plugs because I can’t listen to anything else, engine sounds included (although I’ve always been told, hearing is different than listening).

My music career would have never taken off like it did for that one year.

Improv; if I couldn’t listen to any of it.

I hear ya. I should know what I write about is interesting, entertaining, and informative. I should be more confident and stop saying things like, “I think.” Qualifying myself by saying I just think these things comes off as crazy and I’m not a crazy person!

A person doesn’t get 1,385 views on a blog post about an ice cream flavor that no one liked without being interesting. That takes a real effort to make that kind of thing worth reading. Furthermore, anyone owning a domain of their own name must be entertaining! Otherwise, why would they, whomever that is, grant that person the prestige of owning it? There has to be another Matt Aromando out there that would love to own mattaromando.com. Finally, what’s more informative than a PSA? People need to be aware of what throwing away plastic rings can do to the environment. Animals can get trapped in them and hurt!

Well, back to the topic at hand, thank you for pointing out my delusional sounding quote, I apologize and I’ll be more confident in myself in the future!

Whenever I go to Supercuts, they always ask me if I want any product. I assume what they mean is gunk to make sure that my part remains strait as an arrow. I’m cheap and reply as flamboyantly as possible “Nay, I do not need your product!” For I have a jar of something I like to call hair wax in my bathroom.

I’m not sure if hair wax is a real thing or just a nickname I invented, but it works wonders if all a person wants is to keep the “Yuppie who never has fun” look. It does smell delightfully fruity, though. So anyways, the answer to the question is that I shampoo, condition, dry, smear wax, and comb until perfect. Then after a few days when my scalp starts to get a little itchy, I repeat.

It had been a while since I’d seen a Supercuts.

Let me just say, first of all, that I hate both. I could go on for at least a whole hour explaining the personal benefits of using credit cards for all purchases but nobody ever asks me for that. I suppose if I had to decide between paper and metal money I would choose paper for its wallet friendly design.

Coins do have the benefit of being nearly invincible while paper money disintegrates over time. You don’t really hear about money collectors, you typically hear about coin collectors, now those are coins I can get behind. Those can be worth a lot of money. I have some kind of nickel that’s worth a bunch of money, well at least more than 5 cents. All my paper money is worth exactly as much as you’d think, including the two $2 bills I refuse to spend which are still worth $2 each. *sigh*

Let me first address the fact that you can’t believe no one has asked me this question before? This is only like my sixth question. That being said I’m surprised no one has asked it either…

Anyways, I’m actually working on a superpower right now. It’s called extra visibility, think of it as the opposite of invisibility. All I really want these days is to be noticed, that’s why I do all of the comedy I do. Why else would I answer all of these silly questions on Tumblr? This superpower isn’t very handy, I’m just saying it’s what I’ve been working on.

Now for a real power, I often wonder that myself. The obvious choices are to be able to fly, become invisible, and to be invincible. But those are boring. I’ve always wanted to be like Spiderman, he’s got some pretty cool powers and is totally normal looking (being able to live a normal life is big to me, other than being secretly better than everyone else, which may be what I think of myself now sans superpowers).

I’ve also thought that the power to be able to look like anyone else would be the power to have to pretty much get whatever you want. Sure, if you were invisible you could break into a bank undetected or if you were invincible you could try to take on an army but in either scenario you could be imprisoned. The power to mimic anyone else? I just don’t see how one would get caught doing that, as long as they weren’t stupid about it. Which is a lesson for life: Do whatever you want, just don’t be stupid about it.

The key to successfully answering this question is accepting that I’m guaranteed to be killed or deformed in some hilarious way.

So let’s dissect both situations…

Dr. Nick

Pros - Friendly, likable (though not lovable), good “survival” rate

Cons - High “deformity” rate

Dr. Zoidberg

Pros - Death should be swift

Cons - Corpse will have a fishy smell

In conclusion, while a swift death sounds like a pretty good pro in this situation, I want people to feel comfortable at my wake (I’m a man of the people). Therefore, the fishy corpse smell is enough to tip the scales towards Dr. Nick.

“Bye, everybody!”

I like a good question I have to think about before answering. I thought I knew the answer immediately but then I deliberated a bit and am having a little identity crisis. My gut instinct was to say waffles are terrible, pancakes are meh, and French toast is amazing. It’s true, I’m a big fan of French toast and if it’s made with cinnamon raisin bread it’s at a whole new level. I used eat French toast for dinner—that’s right—for dinner!

Then I realized the reason I said waffles are terrible is because they commonly are (Eggo? Come on.) But that doesn’t mean they can’t be great too. I remember as a kid always going to the Pancake Man on Cape Cod and always ordering the Strawberry Waffle, a Belgian waffle with whipped cream and strawberries on top. It was the greatest thing ever. Ever. Waffles are back on my good side.

Pancakes, another often enemy of mine at breakfast. My main gripe with pancakes is how quickly they become awful after soaking up my delicious maple syrup. If someone says pancakes, this is the first thing that comes to mind. Though where I underestimate pancakes is that if I ever have some truly great ones, say with blueberries or chocolate chips inside, I’m gonna eat them too fast to get burned by their syrup sucking powers. Pancakes, I’m sorry I doubted your ability to be delicious.

I’m getting hungry…what was I talking about? Oh, what kind of guy I am. I’m one who isn’t very good at making decisions.

Great question! As someone who performs both, I’ve obviously never been asked this before…a million times…by everyone…

That’s not fair of me to say because stand-ups and improvisors rarely ask, if ever. Just normal people ask. Stand-ups don’t ask because they know in their hearts that stand-up is the truer art form. Improvisors don’t usually ask because I don’t think they care as much—but in a good, uncompetitive way. (The whole stand-up vs. improv feud is one I’ll never understand, it’s all comedy people!)

So anyways, I appear to be stalling, perhaps to not hurt anyone’s feelings. Well I don’t think I’m going to because I’m spineless on this front. I always say the same thing, “I like both…for different reasons.” In stand-up, I play this character called Matt. He looks, talks, complains, fidgets, rants, complains some more, and exaggerates things just like the real life version of me. In fact, it’s the character I find the easiest to play, I don’t have to do anything. Sure, I practice being me all the time and it’s a lot of work but I get a solid—let’s say—160 hours a week practicing that role. I enjoy getting on stage and being that guy because, well, I’m a narcissist.

Improv though, well I hate playing Matt in improv. It feels so uninspired and lazy to play that character (and let’s not forget boring). But in improv I can play any character I want! I can be a clown, or a fire fighter, or a Harlem Globetrotter, or a Good Charlotte fan:

Pie.

This is really a question of big fish in a small pond vs. shark in the ocean (I think i just made up “shark in the ocean,” I don’t know).

Disney World is hands down the bigger and therefore better park but with great power comes great responsibility (I know I made up that one, for sure). I could get away with doing a lot less work at Disney Land and anytime I get called out for it I could just respond “Hey, this isn’t Disney World.”

Then again, on the flip side, it wouldn’t be nearly as cool just hanging out at my job. I mean, sure, for the first few days that one park at Disney Land would be interesting but Disney World has like 4 parks or something plus water parks and a pretty killer bar scene!

Well, after weighing both sides of my argument, I’m going to go with Disney World, based on this photo of me eating a churro in EPCOT: